it’s my fifty mission cap.

i just realized i’ve been wondering this for years (literally, prolly eight or so). god i love the internet (said in wishful way as harry potter says “i luv magik).

in other news, there is no other news.

feels sooooooo good.

a zero balance after three and a half years of overspending (at one point the total of my two cards was 5 k or so, i think, i tried to block it out of my mind).

unfortunately my first impulse is to buy some new clothes and cds i’ve been wanting.  lol oh fuck.

and this has been perhaps the most surprising one of the lot.

i feel like i JUST moved here – and really we’ve been in this apartment for months. which i only just realized with my complete reluctance to clean out the downstairs closet – we just throw everything in there. i’ve been at my job now for pushing six months.

i have been entering rubber stamp orders for six months.

and really that’s the crux of it. graduating from fucking BRYN MAWR and nearly killing myself (or at least rendering myself catatonic) in the process has been completely overshadowed by the completely banal ways i fill my days. don’t get me wrong – i am totally thankful i found this job – fresno has absolutely fuck all in terms of jobs requiring something beyond a g.e.d. and this job pays well, has great benefits, and i can truly say all of the people i work with are, well most of them are really great and the rest are all quite good.

but it is fucking boring.

i’m going to apply to do my master’s in library science/information technology with drexel online, so i can keep this job and yet if we decide to move we can do it quite independently of that degree. i’m reluctant to do it, that’s for sure – i feel like i’m copping out on a film/cultural studies degree. but i know that the feeling that i’m 22 and my life is over is going to smother me as i sit so i’d better do something. god knows i can still do film studies when i’m thirty. even if i don’t know it.

other than that, just all the general resolutions – start playing guitar again, write more frequently, read more (a lot more) and finally fucking finish “people’s history of the united states,” which i received for christmas last year and as it stands, is only a third of the way finished. compile frequently used recipes & recipes from my mom into something useful. maybe make a website to house the crow annotations i worked on in graphic novel class – the only website like that hasn’t been updated in a while and isn’t as complete as my list.

and get some fucking fresnan bartender to learn to make me a red death.

at any rate, happy new year to all, and to all a good & safe night tonight.

…watch her as she goes.

(you can imagine in those little guitar steps he does after that going “emily emily emily emily”)

that maynard recognizes that most of tool’s fans are fucking pre-humans.  i still feel bad for him about it though.

onion a.v. club interview with maynard james keenan

“fade to black” off metallica’s ride the lightning?

try it out. i fucking dare you.

with wine?

i’ve been reading mjk’s journal at the homepage for caduceus, his winery. it’s actually a little bit moving, or inspiring, or something.  you can tell that he just loves it so much.  so much that i almost wonder if he’s going to give up the tunes to be there for crush time every year.

i wish something moved me that much.  something interesting anyway, and complicated, and challenging, and meaningful, and productive.

anyways, back to the point, as he says, how many rockstars do you know that own a backhoe and a forklift?  and he got some of his first grapes from around paso robles so i’m definitely within like twenty degrees of mjk.

anyway, someone with $88 go buy a bottle in my honor.

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all of my dreams

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